Thursday, July 14, 2011

My mother, full disclosure.

Is so seriously fucked up.

This will be a long post. Out of order and rambling.

My mom had my brother when she was 16, turned 17 two weeks later. My father was 26 at the time. (Ew, I know) They were married the September before my brother was born, my mom was 5 months pregnant or so. My father worked while my mom lived with my grandparents who helped raise my brother My mom never finished high school, she does not have a GED.

I was born when my mom was 20, my dad was 30. By that time we lived in our own house, my dad still worked a lot, and at the time traveled a lot. I really don't remember him much before the age of 6 or 7. My mom had a "friend" named Mike. He visited a lot.

My mom had a volatile relationship with him. I don't know the specifics, but there were suicide attempts. Since my dad was away most of the year (50 of 52 weeks a year) my mom did whatever she wanted.

My dad's work relocated him to Iowa when we were young, I was 6. My mom had no friends and relied heavily on my dad's group of friends that he had since he had been living in that town for 2 years before we moved. All of these people are not my mom's age.

Growing up my mom yelled a lot. A LOT. She would get into fights with my dad. Break things, throw things, hit him, yell some more... My brother and I would just hide and wait for it to be over. As I got older, my mom didn't really scare me anymore. I just wrote off the yelling and went on with my own business.

When I was 17 we got into a huge blowout. She said some nasty things to me. I ended up walking out the door. I asked my dad, who was "working on a car" if I could move. He said when I turned 18 (which was within 6 months) and he wouldn't be too far behind me. (Way to go dad. I always wondered why they were married still.)

Four months later my mom lost our house. Didn't pay taxes on the house for a year. The house was auctioned. We had to be out the week PRIOR to this notification. How did we find out? I was coming home from the Mall of America with my then boyfriend, my mom was coming down the street in my car and told me her and dad just had a fight I needed to let him cool down, she was going for a drive, go have dinner with boyfriend, then come home. Ok. I didn't think anything of it. Boyfriend and I go out to dinner. I call home to see if we can catch a movie. My dad answered, odd he never answers, he tells me no. We lost the house, we need to pack and find a place to live. WHAT? I could not wrap my head around it. Oh, and my mom was missing.

We get back to my house, my dad is a mess. There is a letter from my mom laying it all out. She is so ashamed. No one knows, not even her parents. There is a dresser drawer full of bills that were not being paid. My father had to file for bankruptcy. He put out a missing persons report for my mom. My brother talked to her. I didn't.

Long story short... She came home, my dad stayed around. They moved. Sold anything they couldn't pack. I moved in with my tattoo artist and his wife. I didn't speak to my mom for 6 months.

Fast forward to 2003, I dump boyfriend and move to Nebraska. YaY. My brother (who still lives at home) meets a girl online and moves to Minnesota to be with her. My mom starts to show some serious cracks.

She hangs out with "George" a family friend, who is also married. He works at a job where he only works 4 days a week. My mom has never worked, so they hang out. A lot. Georges wife gets jealous, starts nasty rumors about my mom, a lot of other high school stuff happens... My dad obviously does not trust her, he watches them like a hawk if he is home when they are there.  Of course my mom and dad are still having it out.

I get married, my brother gets married, grandpa dies, I have a baby, grandma dies, brother has a baby. Needless to say this has my mom fucked up. She finally goes to a therapist who says she has PTSD, and bipolar disorder. (I guess we know where I got it from.)

Now this brings us to the current day. I had a conversation with my mom today that left me perplexed. She is stressed about selling my grandma's house and feuding with her brother. I can understand that. I reassure her that she is doing the right thing, blah blah blah, and she starts in on how she was suicidal yesterday. Had a knife to her wrists, she called my dad home from work and he stopped by his friends and didn't get home till 5:15pm and they fought because he doesn't care about her, he would rather be at his friends, blah blah blah. She tells me she doesn't feel like she is married, they are only together because it is easy, they haven't been "married" for some time now. On and on. Honestly, I have heard this spiel before. I have heard it MANY times this year. For some reason, this time left me perplexed. I just don't know how to explain it. Maybe she sounded a little more serious about this suicide threat? I don't know. I don't know what to tell her. I don't know what she wants to hear from me. I am sure I sound uninterested since I just kind of stick with "uh-huh". I don't know what to say. I am her child. While I am still an adult, their are some things that I do not want to hear. If you do not love my father, your husband of 30 years GET A FUCKING DIVORCE.

I have tried to tell her she needs to make new friends, I try to tell her to take classes to get her GED, it obviously falls on def ears. I am so tired of hearing the same chorus. She refuses to actually talk to her therapist, she doesn't take her meds the way she should. She is probably malnourished from the eating disorder she developed as a copping mechanism for the high school crap going on with George and his wife (which is STILL going on).

I really don't know why I created this post, there is obviously no end. There isn't a point I was trying to make. I just wanted to get it off my chest. I want my mom to be a mom. I am not her friend. I am her daughter. I mourn the relationship we will never have. I will remind myself everyday that is not the relationship I want with my daughter. I wish my mom was like the figure I keep in my mind of her. You know, the perfect image.

                         another little story. When I was in kindergarten, my mom was 26. All the other mom's were in their mid 30's. I just thought it was cool that my mom was younger. She was at every event, every program, every game, every PTA meeting, every fun night, everything. No one else's mom did that. I thought she was supermom because of that.
                        when I was a little older, I thought it was so bad ass that my mom spoke her mind. She could negotiate with the best. She was resourceful when my dad was unemployed. She cooked a meal every night, even when all we had was rice. She gave us Christmas when there was no money. She didn't have new clothes for YEARS so we could get a few new outfits for school.
                         She was creative, she did crafts that her friends were in awe of. She could cook, clean, sew, craft, mingle, throw a cool party, play with the kids, and hang with the adults. I thought she was pretty awesome sometimes.

Then I realize, those were some classic bipolar signs. Those happy little times were short lived. While we didn't see some of the bad parts (because I didn't notice, or she didn't show them I don't know) and she was a good mom for a while. Now, she is not that mom. She is a damaged person who I don't recognize. She was damn near a single mom when I was very young, she ran a household and a neighborhood. Now she isn't able or willing to do anything alone. She sits at home, alone, with her cat. All. Day. Long. George might come to visit, but they are cooling things off so he can work on things with his wife. Most of my parents friends are backing off since my mom has flown the crazy flag. She has no family willing to talk to her, or who is living.

How did she fall so far? Does she miss the person she was? Does she want to be that person again? Does she think it is too late to be that person again? Does she know how bad she has let herself go? Does she care?

I miss my mom. I know in life that we change a lot. We grow, we get married, and have kids. Some day our kids have kids. It is life. At what point does life get the better of us? At what point does it all become too much? What triggered my mom's fast decent into her current pitiful life? What can I do to avoid that same demise?

I like to think that since I have seen this decline in my mom, that I can avoid it. I have a great marriage, a good job, I am getting an education. I have everything my mom doesn't. That doesn't keep me from worrying about becoming her. Falling down the same path she did. Bipolar is a tricky illness. I hope that I manage mine better. I have the benefit of knowing of my illness WAY before she knew about hers.

This post has left me with more questions than answers. I think I will sleep on it. Move on, move forward and try not to let my fear of becoming my mom turn me into my mom.

Night all.

No comments:

Post a Comment