So I am being bad. I am not on top of my medication. It happens every so often. I am getting back on track but it will take a while to get it back up to the levels it needs to be at. My mood is all over the place. I have lost interest in some stuff. I am rapid cycling. I can go from manic to depressed in a matter of minutes. At least i am not angry this time around.
I know my body. I know when something is going to go wrong. I pay attention to my bodies cues. However, there is no sure fire way to predict what happens and when it will happen. I hate knowing that I am going to be riding the crazy train in the near future, because with ample warning one might think there would be a way to avoid the crazy train. Sadly, there is not. Well, none that I have come across yet.
I just want to be normal. I hate being at the mercy of my moods. I hate feeling like this when there is no logical reason for me to be upset, angry, sad, or depressed. I feel like I am a slave to my emotions. Which makes me feel weak. I hate being weak. I don't talk to people about my illness because I don't like to be perceived at weak. I will go out of my way to avoid talking about it. That is what my therapist is for. I do vent a little bit to some "friends" on an online site that a lot of moms frequent. I am as close to some of these women as can be without actually physically meeting them. They know my secrets. However, I still hold back because I don't want to be whinny. Other people have problems and I don't want to take away from someone else who might have worse problems than I.
Well, not much got accomplished with this post. I actually feel a little worse. I just admitted I hate being weak in a moment of weakness.