Thursday, November 4, 2010

Breathe In- Breathe Out

So I have calmed down a bit since my freak out yesterday. I am still super anxious over the mammogram tomorrow, but I guess that is what I get xanax for! So I will probably take *slightly* more than usual, and try not to scream when my boob gets crushed.
So my husband made an appointment for me with my psychologist that I haven seen in 5 months (new job, new insurance) because I am apparently in need of some sort of intervention. I cant say that I disagree. However, I don't necessarily tell him everything either. I should, I know... but... I guess I like my dirty secrets kept to myself. I do think I will mention that I have had a strong urge to drink. I don't usually drink, but I have contemplated how great it would be to get drunk and not have to worry about anything. Which, for most normal people, isn't a big deal but for someone with a xanax prescription and a mental disorder...that could be a bad combination. I do think (and hope) that the fear of starting a new problem will keep me from doing it. And there is my daughter. She keeps me grounded a lot of the time. So I know if I were to drink, and start drinking a lot, I would not be able to care for her as well as I would like to. I don't ever want to hurt her or neglect her so I think I will keep that in the back of my mind.
So I was reading an article in Psychology Today the other day and it said that people who focus on the past memories have a hard time making new memories. So I was thinking that that could be a problem with people who are bipolar. I mean I have memories that don't ever go away, they sneak up constantly and it isn't that I don't want to remember those things, it is just inconvenient to have a random memory pop up unannounced. So if I cant control my previous memories from coming back does that hinder my new memories? Most people with bipolar disorder do have some difficulties remembering new things. I know when I am swinging or shifting moods I cant remember ANYTHING new. So I wonder if there is a connection.
Well back to the office grind.

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